don cheater

ever wanted to learn how to have a speech impediment? Well let me give you a free lesson, if you like my services, then you can subscribe over my 1800-94-eric number where one of my associates will guide you through the steps of getting started on ‘ how to talk with a speech impediment: by Eric’ . 

Now of course we all know the best actor to ever graze the big screen is Don Cheadel. Now, his last name is actually how you would say the word “cheater” with a speech impediment. Try it out.

On a different subject. While I was in Portland last week (o’death show) with my two friend mike and leon, we sat down to get some eats at a casual dining institution. Leon heads to the bathroom and takes forever, he had to go number 2 (he actually was pretty fast, i’m just trying to make the story interesting). He returns hours later and tells us that in the mens bathroom, they have the baby changing station built into the wall. On the baby poop/pee cleanup station there are some instructions for those dads who never learned how to change their baby’s diaper until then. But in addition to the english/spanish instructions, they have instructions in braille for those blind fathers who are just now learning in the mens bathroom at ‘Noodles’, how to change their baby’s diaper. I chuckled thinking of the possibilities of witnessing a situation where blind dad changes his baby’s diaper for the first time and is going through all the instructions graciously provided for him. 

I just picture this guy cleaning up the poop from the butt and wiping it all over the babys legs and stomach, and then putting its clothes back on.  I also picture blind dad’s lazy wife in the restaurant asking him to change the diaper because she is busy eating her yum yums. boy is she gonna lose her appetite when he comes back with an even messier baby.

celebrating and dancing free

I received an electronic message from an ex-gal friend of mine that seemed to be rather comical. I wont mention her name, but it rhymes with Brittany. ; )

 

I’m glad you don’t know…..

…..that I drive a subaru wagon and have a peace sign magnet on it….i don’t live in ashland, does that make it better? Oh gosh…I was always too stereotypical for you.. :S 

Me and my high standards. I’m like an unsatisfied dad after the elementary school talent show. ‘dad, how did you like my performance, are you proud of me? ‘ … ‘well… I don’t think karate counts as a talent, nobody looked impressed. I would have been more impressed if you did some Armature Karaoke like your old man used to do back in his prime’. Well ‘brittany’, i know we were probably a terrible couple, but i  was satisfied, don’t you fret. And no, it only applies to folks who live in Ashland. safe. 

cleverarity in Ashland

You drive a Subaru wagon and live in Ashland, how clever. And you got a peace sign sticker on your vehicle , how clever. And and you wear those new age parachute pants, how clever.

I saw a van in the parking lot of my place of employment. It had a sticker on it that said something to the effect of “I want to see more bikes”. Seems like a contradiction. It’s similar to the handful of folks i’ve overheard saying that this country is fucked with our new president. But wasn’t it already fucked to begin with? Don’t you think that no matter who we put in office, we’re going to have an equal amount of fucking going on? And it’s like fucking without climaxing, just a dry HJ from a so called hooker and you don’t have enough money to get finished. Similar to those backward hat wearing guys driving Japanese vehicles around that have miscellaneous parts covered in primer. Like one car door and the front end are a completely different color. ” yeah, im gonna finish getting all the parts and painting once i get enough money”, and you just think to yourself, why did you even start in the first place? It’s kind of comical, much like the comedy of Amateur Karaoke videos.

darling

A overheard a guy in the library talking on his phone with a girl, most likely his wife or girlfriend. He said ‘ you called for no reason?!’ . He said it like he was astonished and upset.

Timothy Seth Avett you’ve done it again!

Bodysong

I watched a film called Bodysong, which came out in 2003. It’s a film by Simon Pummell (unfortunatly his only release) and It’s actually the first solo project of Johnny Greenwood. It’s a compilation of home movies and newsreels that take you through the lifespan. It starts inside the womb, and then childbirth, play, teenagers, sex, death, art, speech and so on. It’s a little over an hour, you can actually watch it in many parts on you tube .

I also watched ‘for the bible tells me so’. A documentary that shows how the bible is being misused to support prejudice against homosexuals. Much like it was used to support slavery and the secondhand citizenship of women in the past. This movie isn’t just a group of homosexuals sitting around smelling their own farts. It consisted of well respected religious leaders and  religious families.Most who have (or had) gay children, and Gene Robinson (the first openly gay bishop) and many more. It was a very well made documentary, and very respectable.

The overall goal of the movie was to show that , yes, the bible does say homosexuality is an abomination(le 18:22), but at the same time, there are a whole lot of other things that are a so called ‘abominations’.  It’s an abomination to:

• eat swine (because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.)
• eat rabbit (hare)
• to lie (lying lips)
• Cross dressing (halloween)
• Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. (eating shrimp)
• False measurements (lying about your weight)
• Evil Plans
• Being Arrogant
• Disobeying the law
• Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living.

What was mentioned many times through out the film, is that you have to take in to account the time and the culture of when the bible was written, it changes things drastically. It’s like the salem witch trials. It’s bad enough that they honestly thought witches were real, they actually believed innocent women were witches and they killed them (most of the time based upon false testimonies) . In our time, we know this to be untrue, and we look back and we chuckle at it. But most of you  are scared to chuckle at the innaccuracies of the bible, and those of you who are, are dog damn fools! To say you have never commited an Abomination stated in the bible would be a lie, and lying is an abomination, so double abomination! To the emotionally venturesome and open hearted, ignorance shall always be a thing of the past.

mutual opinions

I was discussing with Abby my frustration towards the Blogosphere. I’ve been writing for a good three years now (nothing compared to others, but still a good chunk of time). Within that time I’ve seen blogs sprout and diminish. Some diminish slow, but some diminish after a single post or two (ryan gish/david glimpse). Some start really strong and suddenly end like the Minoan civilization (jake johnson). Some are just like stubborn alcoholics “I’m gonna get clean, i promise you” (sam sabboner).  Basically the entire SOB (southern oregon bloggers) has been destroyed.  And now there are folks coming along and giving blogging a try, but failing terribly.  They are all just too entirely forced. Politics, god, politics, god, Jesus, Obama, god, I’m happy, I’m sad, god. I don’t speak for myself, I’m just the mouth behind the crowd. I just miss having multiple-interesting blogs to read. But blogging isn’t for everyone, if you don’t have anything interesting, comical, ironic, new, different or flourishing to write about, I’d say stop where you are at and start a different hobby;

• yo yos
• Barry Manilow memorabilia collector
• Origami
• actually getting involved in politics, rather than just speaking about it
• paint balling
• crossbows
• witch hunting
• Being that one guy who is too good at karaoke, to the point where it’s not fun to watch them cause you know they are gonna hit every note.

In response to donnie’s post; I have been thinking about my list all year long, everytime i new album comes out. I have my top 5 listed already, i’m just waiting til december 30th, the last tuesday of the year to complete the other 5. Lets just say , it wont be a suprise to those of you who enthusiatically read my blog, you know what i’ve been raving about all year.

Has anybody else noticed the amount of middle aged women worshiping the changing of the trees. It’s like they can relate to them. “hey, i know how you feel, it’s that time of the season for you, where you turn all red and pretty soon you’ll be ugly and cold and unbarable to even gaze upon, but i’ll love you regardless.” Fall is the precursor to the menstrual cycle of mother nature.

room”mate”

“Mate” is a colloquialism used to refer to a friend and is commonly used in the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand and so on…

So i have this problem, I’m sure Sam has the same problem. When I’m referring to Sam in conversations with folk who are unfamiliar with Sam, do I introduce him as my ‘roommate’ or do i introduce him as my ‘friend’?

Identifying someone as a  roommate is misleading. I think of a roommate as an insignificant person, just someone you live with for financial reasons strictly. You don’t necessarily have to be friends to be roommates.But Sam and I have been intermingling since the olden days of McLaughlin Middle School. We rode the bus together and enjoyed similar hip hop artists. We poked fun at overweight girls, because in middle school overweight girls don’t have feelings. Match made in heaven/hell.

It was just only recently that we decided to financially be connected. So now i gotta see his dog damn face everyday. I gotta put up with him leaving his Everybody Loves Raymond and Latino kings of comedy DVD’s scattered around, not to mention his magazine subscription for “Bare feet and Barely legal“. He buys loads of candy, and wrappers everywhere(neccos, smarties, boston baked beans’). He blasts Podcasts of Howard Stern. The house smells like Brut. Regardless, we have a great time and enjoy each other’s company. We are roommates and mates.

I’m gonna start referring to him as my roommate mate. Which means we are a combination of mates and room sharers.

good for them

I was in the library tonight sitting down on my laptop. I heard some noise coming from my right hand side and so I turned the volume down on my computer and I casually look over to see this Black man strutting down the hall in his sweat-outfit and a big grin on his face. He was chanting something to the effect of  ” ladies and gentlemen, now announcing the first black president of the world, oooooo-bama!! ” He said it a few times and i liked how he held the ‘O’ for a long time, and said ‘bama’ really fast. First i was thinking, ‘black folks think of the coolest things to say, even the way they say it is cool, i’m looking forward to some speeches by obama with this type of dialect”. But then i remembered that Obama talks like us boring white folks. But then I  was thinking ‘ wow, good for them’ .Genuinely, it’s a big step forward from our parents era. Take that confederacy !

No Cornbread, No molasses.

I was in class yesterday, not especially paying attention to the teacher. Just being observant as always. I kept looking over at this girls shoes, couldn’t tell if they were chucks or the rip offs, and then i noticed she was wearing gray socks, which i thought was weird, i’ve never seen a girl wear gray ankle socks like these. I kept looking at this other girl, trying to imagine what she would look like with short hair, I imagined it would be pretty cute.  The walls of the classroom are made of brick just in case the Ecuadorians were to air raid us. I have a habit of sitting at desks that are parallel up against the wall, i like to rest my head up against it, takes some relief off my shoulders. I was looking at the cement that holds the bricks together, and the sand inside the cement. My eyes eventually made it over to a certain brick slightly behind me. It had some writing on it so I looked closer. It read:

“My life sucks!” written in black pen.

Then slightly under that, it read:

“Then change it!” written in blue pen.

Then slightly under that it read :

“pimp” written in orange gel pen.

Now i’m no Jason Seaver , but I think I am able to tell a lot about people through dissociative writing. Now this student was not interested in what the teacher had to say what so ever, he was drawing the quicksilver symbol on his notebook. He noticed the silent psychological analysis happening on the wall. He somehow thought his voice was needed in this conversation. He took his pen placed it up against the brick and wrote the first thing that came to his mind. The word “pimp”. I bet you are wondering, what do you think this student looks like, well let me tell you based upon some stereotypes that i have find to be rather consistent and reoccurring.

Cargo Camo Shorts.

Big bulky white skater shoes

A billabong shirt with some type of elaborate design running down the side

He goes on a bathroom break after writing “pimp” on the brick wall, his third bathroom break of the class , and he buys a mountain dew. He then goes into the bathroom to make sure his hair is still spiked up and looking swell, and it better dog damn well be, he used half a bottle of LA lookz xxxmegastrong hold gel.Satisfied with his bedhead look, he speed down the stairs (although he was in no hurry), got back to class and turned in his in-class homework assignment, written in neon orange pen. After class, he threw some orbitz gum in his trap and smacked it around in an excessive manner, he hopped in his red jeep, turned on some kiss 107fm and drove like an asshole to his place of employment, “Pac Sun” where he went up to all of his coworkers held out the rock and insisted that they ‘pound him’. Good thing you don’t work with this guy, he’d talk your ear off with impersonations of Wil Ferrel movies and Harold and Kumar.

This is just a theory of how this word came to being, but I think it’s pretty accurate.

appeal

To how many of you , does this career look appealing. Looks like the worst career i could imagine. It’s like being a janitor, but you don’t clean up after people, you clean up people.  I wonder if that guy in the picture with the dead guy is having the man take the picture for his myspace?